If you’re at your wits’ end with a grumpy husband who has lost his zest for life (or, conversely, is suddenly wearing band t-shirts and overdoing the aftershave every time he leaves the house), don’t worry.
You and millions of other women could raise a glass right now to toast a very shared experience; the question of how to deal with a husband in midlife crisis.
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Is Your Husband in Midlife Crisis? Spotting the Signs
Your previously charming husband is suddenly acting like a teenager, in more ways than one. Perhaps he’s making eyes at your glamorous divorced friend or has taken up Crossfit and keeps banging on about his FitBit stats (while hunting down ibuprofen and strapping up his knees.)
At the other end of the scale, maybe he’s slid into a hole and suddenly developed an intense affair with Ben ‘n Jerry’s, taken to gaming online until 3 am, and now suddenly communicates only in long silences and eye rolls.
Ladies, don’t call a lawyer just yet. You have a husband in the midst of a full-blown midlife crisis, and it’s likely to look very different from yours.
Why? Well, firstly, men and women tend to handle things differently.
Secondly, you’re probably already well into a journey of self-analysis, self-help, and personal development, whereas your charming other half is wondering if another beer, a new car, or a night out with the boys will fix his issues.
Be patient (to a point) and try these steps to restore peace and harmony and reconnect with your spouse.
8 Tips for Dealing with Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis
Here are my 8 favorite tips on how to deal with a husband going through a midlife crisis:
1. Don’t let little issues fester
Let’s be honest, after years of marriage, small gripes can rapidly escalate to nuclear-level standoffs!
So if you’re about to explode because your husband claims your weekend plans are “boring”, it’s a sign to have a conversation.
Little issues grow over time, especially if you both tend to avoid conflict, or you’re avoiding talking about bigger problems.
The reality is that issues don’t simply disappear. The feelings they evoke can be temporarily pressed down, but they will bubble up again eventually.
If you can get to the heart of what’s bothering you now, all the better.
But be prepared! You might go in hard with a list of pet peeves that constantly set your teeth on edge—but be prepared to listen to your other half’s own list!
If approached constructively, these types of conversation can evolve into deeper “this matters” ones on topics that you’ve both been avoiding.
So…Take a deep breath, put on your big-girl pants, and get the conversation going. Do it somewhere pleasant with a coffee and include touches of humor where you can.
2. Go outdoors, go have fun!
A married home can be a sanctuary of purpose, joy, and shared Netflix binges, or a place that suddenly feels cold and unwelcoming.
If you’re a recent empty-nester, you may feel like the heart of your home has gone completely, and the sound of your husband chewing his steak (or simply breathing too loudly) is unlikely to evoke those same feelings of warmth.
So how to deal with your husband’s midlife crisis without blowing your own top indoors? Get outside.
Whether it’s a gentle amble through your local park or high-adrenaline jet-skiing across tropical island waters (hey we can dream… see you in the park!), the simple act of getting outdoors can really help your time together.
Fresh air, new sights, that feeling of companionship… these all combine to encourage open conversation.
You’ll enjoy the endorphins, and you’ll both likely feel that you can speak a little more openly than you might indoors. Especially with Alexa and Siri and … listening.
3. Don’t get your mother involved
Or your sister. Or your best friend. Or your boss.
Seriously, your husband will feel pretty sensitive as he spirals into midlife madness. Give him a little privacy, or at the very least, bitch about his latest antics to only your most discreet friends.
Not only will he thank you later on, but you also won’t have to live in low-key dread of your tales being discovered!
4. Rediscover shared dreams
Wondering how to deal with a husband in midlife crisis who is constantly grumpy, irritable or generally negative?
The answer depends on a lot of things, frankly!
But if you’re also feeling the effects of a midlife marriage crisis, and dealing with your own rut and female midlife crisis symptoms, this is a great time to reconnect!
Why not revisit some of your earlier dreams and goals that you shared and see if you can revive these or add fresh ambitions to the mix?
Recreating that spark doesn’t have to involve uprooting your entire life, taking a midlife gap year, and moving to the other side of the world (although don’t rule anything out!)
It might be as simple as going to see a new show together, or hiring a boat and having some fun learning new skills!
Remember when you used to laugh together? This kind of relaxed fun date time will help recreate that energy and joy you used to feel.
5. Offer space – and work on YOU
If your husband’s going through a midlife crisis, you can support him, be there, and grow together. But first, you might need to offer him some space.
Don’t fall into the trap of trying to parent your husband.
Sometimes, the best way to deal with your husband’s midlife crisis is to stop breathing down his neck and focus on your own reinvention.
That doesn’t mean desertion.
But, it does mean offering a little grace, a little trust, and giving him some space to move. Your husband’s a fully grown, competent adult. He doesn’t need you to tie his shoelaces.
6. Don’t get stuck in the past
One of the biggest challenges in midlife is that we can easily get stuck in the past. If your man is currently causing mayhem, don’t start friend requesting your old high school sweetheart! (He did NOT age like a fine wine, despite your idle imaginings.)
At this time in our lives, old feelings about prior mistakes, paths not taken and decisions may bubble up again.
Men and women can both start to think they make poor choices and end up looking backwards, rather than forwards. Recognize this and encourage your spouse to recognize it too.
Whatever is done is done.
7. Don’t indulge this stage forever
Look, if you’re a reading an article called “8 Tips for Dealing with a Husband in Midlife Crisis”, you’re obviously a kind and compassionate wife. ☺️
And that’s great but… don’t over-indulge this stage. If this male midlife crisis period is becoming an excuse for bad behavior, shut that down.
Put a limit on any “out of control midlife spiraling”.
Set some boundaries and find some positive, action-oriented routes for moving forward. (see below)
Failing that, gather the girls and go on a lovely retreat weekend to help focus both of your minds!
8. Get expert help
Look, we all need help at times.
Self-analysis, self-help books, and your most hilarious friend all have a role in life, but if you’re serious about finding how to deal with your husband’s midlife crisis (and work on yourself in the process), getting professional help is a truly smart move.
Many action-oriented, successful, and dynamic women are signing up to my Midlife Mastermind to tackle their own midlife ruts and crises and learning the tools and techniques they need to transform their lives and relationships.
Others will invest in couples therapy and unlock a new lease of life for themselves and their husbands, working on key couple tools such as shared core personal values, solid communication, and other relationship dynamics.
Some will get a dog.
Honestly, everyone is different, and there is no one size fix here.
Know that now! Whatever route you take to successfully navigating midlife crises as a couple, you’ll need to put the work in.
It WILL Get Better
As a clinical psychologist with over 20 years’ experience and plenty of published articles under my belt, I can tell you now that the midlife crisis period can be a superb gift for both sexes.
Yes, it feels dreadful at first.
Yes, you may feel ready to leave your husband at a gas station 300 miles away and invite him to walk home.
But you absolutely CAN navigate this transitional phase together and come out better for it!
(And if your collective “work” does show that the midlife crisis on both sides means that your relationship has changed, and may not recover. Honestly, that is OK too. We have to get very real and honest about life at this stage if the next act is to be meaningful, authentic, and truly joyous. Life goes on. People change. Relationships evolve. Keep an open mind.)
So for now, talk to your husband. Make him a coffee or pour him a scotch. See if you can raise a smile. Suggest you go and do something fun together and see where that takes you.
Start talking again (and not about the groceries.)
With clear eyes and a readiness to do the work, you may actually find yourself spring-boarding toward the most rewarding stage of your married lives together, rather than sliding toward the divorce courts!
I'm Dr. Angela Caveney. I'm a Clinical Psychologist, Neuropsychologist, Founder of The Trybe Women's Social Club and leader of the Midlife Reimagined Mastermind.
If you are interested in learning more about the Mastermind or in creating a community of your own, reach out to me at angela@the-trybe.com to start the conversation.
