Midlife Crisis Divorce. The What. The Why. And 6 Ways to Avoid It

It’s difficult enough dealing with these 12 Common Female Midlife Crisis Symptoms if they’ve hit you at 100mph and left you reeling. But all the harder if you have a partner going through their own midlife crisis, with their own complex set of behavioral signs and symptoms (and perhaps an ingrained expectation that you’ll drop everything to support their needs!)

When this happens, as it so often does when couples of similar ages reach midlife together, things can get pretty fiery, really fast.

Suddenly that husband that you used to gaze at adoringly over a glass of wine is “breathing too loud” and making your hair stand on end.

His car pulling onto your drive in “that way” makes you want to throw something heavy through a window – possibly him – and the thought of being shut inside the house together for the rest of your lives makes you feel like screaming!

Facing a Midlife Crisis Divorce?

Ladies, this is not the universe telling you to find a young, uncomplicated man. (Well, in most cases anyway).  But the shared midlife storm can absolutely lead to a midlife crisis divorce.

Whether the thought of being single again makes you feel horrified or ready to break out the champagne, this is the right time to really understand what’s going on, take things slow, and know that you’re experiencing something very common and, dare I say it…?…even normal. 

Is a Midlife Crisis Divorce Inevitable?

Arguably, every married woman in midlife will have questioned her life choices at some point. You may look to the future and wonder if it is still what you want.

Bear in mind, your charming husband is probably thinking the same.

And these fears are compounded by a broader fear of midlife itself. Are you facing nothing more than a shared room in an old folks’ home, spooning jello into each other’s mouths and watching daytime TV?

OK. Before we spiral, let’s rewind, start unpicking what’s going on, and consider what you can do next.

Why Midlife Crisis Divorces Happen

A midlife crisis can last for months or years. And if you’re both going through it simultaneously, it can feel impossible to handle. Suddenly your most trusted confidante and partner in life is your biggest source (or so you believe) of stress, angst, anger, and irritation.

After all, what better target for the slew of emotions you’re processing than the person hiding in the guest room or sleeping on the dog’s sofa?

Symptoms of a Shared Midlife Crisis

After years of a shared and busy family life together, you may also be sharing the experience of complete turmoil as you face the future. Shared signs of a midlife crisis include:

• Obsessing over past regrets – the job you didn’t take, the hot young barman from your college years that your parents said was unsuitable (he really was btw), the fact you had children, didn’t have children, painted your bathroom yellow. Whatever.
• Uncertainty of your next move. Which, for you, might mean a passport and a spontaneous flight, and for your husband, a shed at the end of a long garden path.
• A desire to make big life changes… if only you had any idea what these should be.
• Feelings of anxiety, lack of focus, irritability, even depression.
• Obsession with youthfulness and a desire to regain it. (Be kind if your struggling male is looking at hair transplants. Hairlines are such a delicate topic.)
• Impulsive decisions.The sort that can see you drinking tequilas in a Greek taverna at 3 p.m. on a Tuesday with Dimitrios, your newly discovered Twin Flame, when you were supposed to be in a budget review meeting with your boss downtown. (Go you!)

Ladies, you might be switching up your look, burning your baggy jogging bottoms, and looking to the Real Housewives for your new wardrobe inspo.

Your husband might be upgrading his car, trying to get a six-pack (because now’s the time), and giving “boyfriend advice” to the cute 20-something barista in your local coffee shop.

You might be looking at each other with jaded eyes, blaming each other for failures, and suddenly wondering who the other person even is.

Even worse, you’re probably stewing with stress, guilt, and fear about what this all means.

Don’t Worry. This Is “Normal”.

As a clinical psychologist and fellow midlifer, you know who I’d be gently questioning now?

The midlife couples who tell me that nothing is wrong at all. That nothing’s changed. That life is still PERFECT in every way. 

The fact is, midlife is an essential period of change, growth, and evolution. It’s difficult because it’s real.

And it’s painful because you’re transitioning into your next stage of life and transforming into the next version of yourselves.

Together, for married couples and those in long-term relationships, this time can eventually become a remarkably and profoundly rich journey that will only strengthen your relationship. (I said eventually!)

You can’t avoid the hard feelings, awkward questions, and real work though. That’s all part of it. 

Dealing with your husband’s own midlife crisis symptoms is just one challenge in this mix. You’ll need to support each other, certainly, there are also parts of this journey that you’ll each need to face independently.

Tips for Avoiding a Midlife Crisis Divorce

1. Start talking 

Every psychologist, therapist, and coach (and yes, I’m including your hairdresser here) will tell you that the key to good relationships and avoiding a midlife crisis divorce is communication.

Because it is.

And no, I don’t mean WhatsApp or a “family to-do” list attached to the fridge door.

You and your husband are going through a huge period of midlife change. You must learn to talk about it, while giving each other space to move and think independently. 

This conversation can begin with something light. In fact, a little gentle humor can lighten the mood and encourage you both to start opening up.

It can be very hard otherwise, especially when you’re both unsure of what you’re feeling and experiencing and very nervous about blaming or starting arguments.

So go slow. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and your marriage is a lifelong project. 

Bonus communication tip

Be very mindful about whom you choose to confide in.

And please, don’t make it your children, even if they are adults. You are their parents after all, not their drinking buddy. 

2. Give each other grace

In couples, fears about the future can manifest in different ways. Some people start to cling like limpets and push the other away.

Others start running for the hills (even if it’s under the guise of training for a half-marathon.)

Rather than desperately seeking validation of your shared goals and commitment at this stage (or avoiding the topic entirely), begin by agreeing that you are both loving adults with a long and rich history behind you.

You can and should both plan for your next act in life, with confidence, mutual support, and some grace.

Pour a drink to share, or go for a walk. Talk about something meaningful that has nothing to do with the kids, your finances, or your mother-in-law.

3. Reconnect

To avoid a midlife crisis divorce, start reconnecting. These 7 steps to reconnect with your spouse can bring some fun back into your lives.

Remember when you first met, and were so excited by each other?

The newness and differences between you that created that delicious tension and intrigue?

The opportunity to see the world in a new way and your lives as an adventure together?

After years of marriage, you have probably blended into one unit. Often, one shared, child-focused, “arguing over whose turn it is to wash the dishes” parenting unit.

It’s time to remember what you were each like as independent, exciting, curious, and attractive individuals. Try some of these 30 best dating ideas for older couples for inspiration!

4. Get away

… Either together, or – GASP – separately. Come on, give each other permission to fly a little! Maybe you could look at types of retreats, or book a travel experience with purpose. 

5. Try new things

One of my go-to recommendations for clients and friends struggling in midlife is to get out and try new things. This breaks up the sameness of the days and helps with the uncomfortable feeling that time is passing more and more quickly as we get older.

Did you know that midlife is the perfect way time for women entrepreneurs to thrive? Perhaps the problem is less your husband or your marriage, and more that you need a new challenge. (Remember when you used to dash home to tell him your news? Make that happen again!)

If a new business venture doesn’t appeal, maybe some new friends will! Here are 19 reasons to join a social club! If there is no social club where you live, consider trying some of these 50 best social hobbies for making friends in midlife.

6. Work on yourself

You can (and should) absolutely support, love, and encourage your partner, but you can only change one person…

…and that is yourself.

Why not sign up for my Midlife Mastermind, which uses radical accountability to help you get “unstuck” from your midlife rut and reinvent yourself.

With this program, you WILL see results as you move into a midlife you dream of… together, or…

If a Midlife Crisis Divorce Happens

You know what?

A midlife crisis divorce is OK for many people.

It really is.

If you and your husband do the work, take the time, and give each other the space and support to understand what you both want now, you may find that your paths are going in different directions. 

Attitudes and expectations around marriage have changed, without a doubt. What’s right for one couple, may not be right for you.

And in midlife, we have to get very real and authentic, because we’re too old for BS.

Take your time. Let things evolve. And have faith that things will work out as they should.

Whether or not you’re heading for a midlife crisis divorce, this stage of your life is meant to transform everyone brave enough to face it head-on. 

(And, plot twist, divorce needn’t be the awful experience we’re told it must be. Many couples succeed in creating fantastic friendships after their midlife divorce. Watch this space for more on that topic coming soon!)