Navigating the 3 Stages of a Midlife Crisis

Recently, we’ve talked about the concept of a midlife crisis and covered some related topics, including midlife crisis and divorce, signs that you’re stuck in a rut and how to deal with a husband having a midlife crisis!

Now, we’ll look at the stages of a midlife crisis.

If you’re keen to place where you’re at on this absolute rollercoaster of mayhem, I’m here for you; whether you’ve suddenly decided that training for the Marathon de Sables makes “a lot of sense”, or you have been living in unwashed pajamas, looking at Botox ads and miserably eating takeout pizza for the last week. 

(And if you’re ready to tackle midlife with confidence, support and a little expert “tough love”, check out my Midlife Mastermind and let’s get started!)

How Are We Defining a Midlife Crisis?

I define a midlife crisis as a period of intense psychological distress that some (but certainly not all) people experience during midlife; often stemming from an acute awareness of their mortality, coupled with the challenge of navigating the many transitions that define this stage of life.

Fun fact! The term “midlife crisis” was coined in 1965 by psychologist Elliott Jaques, who hinted at his own midlife crisis experience. (Take note, he went on to have a truly superb “second act” of his own!)

Is a Midlife Crisis Even a Real Thing?

It’s worth mentioning that many midlife experts argue that midlife crises don’t really exist, describing the experience as a “myth based on false stereotypes“. 

However, if you’re reading this blog with your head under a blanket, or you just found yourself online looking for one-way tickets to the Galapagos Islands, you might have some choice words to say in response. 

To be clear, I am not suggesting that the entirety of midlife IS synonymous with “midlife crisis”.

Nor am I suggesting that everyone experiences a period of “crisis” during midlife.

I also agree that that the word “crisis” is an overdramatization of what most midlifers (even those who struggle profoundly with something during this phase of life) actually experience.

All that said….Whether we like this term or not (and whether scientifically valid or not), the phrase “midlife crisis” (for better or for worse) is generally well understood and provides us with common language and a way to conceptualize and talk about this experience.

So now, let’s focus the rest of our time less on words and more on action, shall we?

Common Signs of a Midlife Crisis

Whatever the specific trigger for your midlife crisis, you’ll know it when it slaps you across the face. Some commonly experienced signs of a midlife crisis, include: 

• A sense of loss; perhaps for your younger self or another “possible” version of you
• A sense of dissatisfaction with parts of your life, or perhaps every damn bit of it!
• Sudden, new difficulties in your relationships (possibly combined with the desire to start… erm… “new ones”.)
• A deep sense of questioning and analysis, sometimes coupled with a tendency to look up old people from high school and consider paths you never took (thank god, frankly.)
• Lethargy, anxiety, depression. Swapping your muesli and fruit breakfast for a pint of ice cream and a glass of wine. 
• Sudden “out of character” activities, irrational decision-making and general antics guaranteed to have the neighbors’ curtains twitching.
• A sense that it’s all over for you.*

(*It really isn’t, but you’re allowed to go hard on the drama for a while.)

These feelings might creep up on you, or they might appear very suddenly. But the experience it’s often very intense. (Hence why the term “crisis” often resonates.)

However, though you might feel like you’ve jumped out of a Boeing without a parachute, a midlife crisis can become highly transformational time that can leave you happier, focused and poised for much-needed changes.

In a weird way, it can be the greatest possible gift. 

But first, we have to do the work.

And this means accepting that the midlife crisis stages could get a little ugly before our next act can begin.

What Are The Common Stages Of A Midlife Crisis?

Different experts have proposed different stages of a midlife crisis.

Most talk about denial, anger, replaying, depression, withdrawal and acceptance, which – frankly – sounds like the most depressing cycle of events imaginable.

Let’s not resign ourselves to this. 

Here are the three stages of a midlife crisis that I often see. Do they resonate with you?

1. A trigger period (the alarm is sounding)

Though it’s not always obvious, there is always a trigger.

It may be an accumulation of small stressors, or it may be a single, pin-point-able “moment of truth” that sends you down a mental rabbit hole.

You might lose a job, a parent or your hairline.

Your children might leave home (taking their energy, youth and vibrancy with them), or you might simply drop from daily overwhelm.

2. The crisis (everyone, hide!)

Whatever your trigger is (or are), you now begin to feel like you are spiraling out of control.

Or this might be much more subtle.

At the “low-key” end of the crisis spectrum, you might question your identity and go through your daily tasks with a sense of mounting irritation. 

At the “more dramatic” end, you might develop a profound crush on the gym teacher at your kid’s high school, tell your boss where to stick it, and buy a camper van to travel the world. (Or at least go hide out up the road for a bit, and question your radical haircut.)

You might also begin to obsess over every adult decision you’ve ever made, every relationship you’ve ever cemented and every fork in the road you’ve taken until this point!

It’s messy – but, hang in there – it’s necessary!

Expect to be confused, uncertain and completely shaken up by the crisis stage.

You’ll probably examine your core personal values, relationships, identity and life with a powerful lens, and you might feel very lost and uncertain, especially if you don’t like what you discover.

This is also the stage where you might start trying out new identities, passions and connections for size. (Consider joining a social club!)

3. The resolution (the calm AFTER the storm)

As we cycle through this challenging period, we begin to find clarity, or a resolution, to our “crisis” phase.

We begin to accept the changes in our lives and welcome the new chapter that lies ahead of us. We start to open up to new things, fresh starts and a “Zero BS” future!

For those of us ready and willing to embrace the full potential of this new chapter, we are now likely to be crystal clear about our needs, wants and desires for this next stage.

This doesn’t necessarily mean we know exactly what’s coming, but we’re open to the adventure and ready to work for our next wins!

How Long Do Stages of a Midlife Crisis Last?

You’re not going to like this answer, but it’s the only true one.

Everyone is different.

Wouldn’t it be fabulous if there was a glossy “stages of midlife crisis timeline” brochure we could download from the internet or buy alongside the groceries? Sadly no (although this feels like a great business idea waiting to happen).

A midlife crisis is a very personal thing, offering a profoundly rich opportunity for introspection and fundamental change.

The challenge for each of us is to deep-dive into the difficult work of soul-searching and questioning and open up to true transformation. 

My suggestion?

Forget timing and focus on doing the work.

Nothing good in life comes without effort!

At What Age Does a Midlife Crisis Typically Start?

It’s generally accepted that the stages of a midlife crisis occur somewhere between the ages of 45-65 but there can be quite a lot of leeway on either side based on each of our personal experiences.

For example, if you married and began your family particularly young you might experience a midlife crisis at a younger age than someone who focused on a career before “settling down”. 

There are no hard and fast rules though, and neither should you look for any.

This is a personal journey, and you are NOT working to anyone else’s schedule (for once!)

What Even Causes This Midlife Crisis?

Although everyone’s midlife crisis looks different, it’s always a thoroughly confronting period of life that can be caused by very significant life shifts, including (but not limited to) divorce, empty nesting or bereavement. 

It might also be caused by an accumulation of things like your aging reflection in the mirror, the sound of your other half chewing, and the red mist of rage you feel when your boss… simply appears.

Whereas it’s helpful to know your triggers, don’t get overly hung up on the reasons (aka the past).

The important thing is how you interpret this experience and whether you choose to use it as a springboard for personal growth and development.

What Are Women’s Midlife Crisis Stages?

Let’s tread carefully here because we can easily get stuck in stereotype hell.

The same stereotypical thinking that leads us to believe women should still be home trad-wifing (thanks to my Gen Z daughter for this gem of a phrase) in the kitchen and smiling over homemade pies would tell us that a female midlife crisis should involve long spells of weeping, an aversion to sex and desperate attempts to cling to youth. 

In That Case… What Are Male Midlife Crisis Stages?

If we want to continue to delve into stereotypes, we might say that a male midlife crisis might involve DIY projects that never get done, endless expensive new hobbies, expensive red sports car purchases or affairs (escalating, often, into new partners and even families).

Gender Expectations And Midlife Crisis Stages

In truth, gender doesn’t necessarily define the way you age or the way you feel about midlife, but societal expectations do weigh pretty heavy though.

A common example? Mid-aged women being told they need to look youthful to be beautiful and desirable.

Another expectation is that women must uncomplainingly continue their caregiver roles long after the kids have left home (perhaps rolling their eyes indulgently while their other halves tear off in their new cars to make eyes at pretty young bartenders).

And – Yes, hormonal changes do play a big part in how we feel at this stage of our lives. Hormones can be a bitch, frankly, as anyone who has dealt with 20+ years of menstrual cycles knows. But this is only part of the story. 

The Reality Of The Sexes And Midlife Crisis Stages

I strongly suspect that men’s midlife crises and women’s midlife crises stem from very similar feelings and life stages, even if they tend to react in different ways.

I also surmise that some of these differences in reaction come down to the aforementioned societal expectations (and judgments) we absorbed in our formative years. 

Here’s a very basic example. A woman experiencing a midlife crisis will surround herself with understanding friends, colleagues and unofficial cheerleaders who are ready to support her through the period of change and come out all the stronger. Women are culturally programmed to talk, share, support and nurture each other.

Male midlife crisis stages are far more likely to be navigated in silence, in contemplation over a beer in the local bar, in an ESPN binge or with the dog. Men just aren’t culturally raised to share their feelings and fears in the same way.

How To Tackle The Stages Of Midlife Crisis

As you work through your own midlife crisis stages, there are different ways to cope. Here are just a few of my favorite and most helpful strategies:

• Breathe out. Drop your shoulders. Get a pen and start writing things down. A journal is a simple, yet valuable tool.
• Get dressed. No seriously, if you’ve been living in the same pair of sweats all week, you need a shower. It will improve your mood.
• Call a friend. Call three. Hang out with people whose spirits lift you. See them in person if possible.
• Accept where you’re at, and start to work out which areas of your life need work.
• Go ahead and buy a self-help book or two, but don’t get stuck on the self-help hamster wheel of learning and planning without actually taking action.
• Find support in the form of mentors and other people who will expertly guide you forward with loving challenge, community and action-oriented wisdom. Now is not the time to get stuck in a rut for too long.

My Midlife Reimagined Mastermind is a fantastic resource, which is already working wonders for action-oriented people in midlife, just like you. Find out more here.