8 Steps to Achieving an Amicable Divorce

Think of midlife divorce and you’ll probably conjure up images of shrieking arguments, endless angst, dramatic breakdowns and… total drama. 

The Stories We Tell Ourselves… About Divorce

Let’s be honest. We’re raised to believe that divorce signifies massive personal failure and that it should be as toxic as possible. Screwed-up kids into the bargain? Oh absolutely, unavoidable. Huge legal bills? Sure – watch your shared assets trickle away to nothing as you fight to deny each other a nest egg. 

Of course, you’ve got years of expensive therapy ahead too and hours spent crying into your preferred tipple, as you prepare to pick apart Everything That Went Wrong. And let’s not forget the social stigma…and the prospect of a life alone, being miserable, forever. 

Except wait. Talk about the ridiculous stories we tell ourselves. (And, frankly, the ridiculous stories we tell ourselves culturally to retain the status quo.) There IS another way. 

You’re Still in Control 

I’ll say it now. Midlife divorce doesn’t have to be a horror movie. It can actually be—deep breath—OK. It can even be… amicable. And what’s more, you can greatly influence your own experience of it, whatever the circumstances that lead to your separation.

When Midlife Divorce Hits You

Some couples might simmer through years of discontent before a divorce is mentioned. You might have stayed together for the kids, for the house, or with the hope that things might improve. For other couples, something happens almost overnight; or at least, it appears to. Someone strays, someone sinks a bottle of wine and lets rip, the kids leave home or someone ‘acts up’ in some way. 

But look, generally speaking, midlife divorce happens after a long period of change, whether or not you were paying attention. And, I promise you now, it’s not the end of the world, even if it feels that way.

Midlife Divorce is… OK.

Let’s sit with a new thought. Midlife divorce is OK. All relationships change and society has changed too. Women increasingly have agency, financial independence and the social structures they need to start afresh if they so wish. 

Yes, Barbara at No.37 might be bitching about your scandalous choices at her next coffee morning, but… let her. 

If you’re facing a midlife divorce, the question you want to face is: how will we do this? Are we going to tear each other apart, or respect the fact that we’ve had this life together (and very likely, a family, a house, and a shared bank account)? Can we be a bit ‘Gwynnie and Chris’ about this (without the ‘conscious uncoupling’ word salads)?

I know what I’d prefer.

Amicable Divorce in Midlife is Possible

It’s a shocker but… midlife divorce can be amicable. Further, it can ultimately be an acceptance that life changes and will always change. Sometimes you grow together. Sometimes you don’t. That’s not a sign to throw plates at each other’s heads.

You will, however, need to lean into being the best, most aware, most ‘ready to learn’ version of yourself. Even the most amicable divorce will be hard at times. Extremely hard.

8 Steps to Achieving an Amicable Divorce

If you’re gonna do it, do it right. Let’s look at some steps to achieving an amicable divorce.

1. Let The Dust Settle

In the weeks and months after you agree that a divorce is inevitable, accept that you are both going to have a hell of a time. You may have uncontrollable emotions, you may be completely numb. You may both behave ‘badly’ in one way or another. But, bizarrely, if you lean into this chaos, you may find it’s not all bad. As my friend, Laura, who is working through her own amicable divorce, told me:

“There were times, in the thick of it, that we’d find ourselves reminiscing, sharing a drink, talking about the past and mulling over future possibilities. And sometimes there would be the oddest flashes of humor, clarity and ‘realness’ that had been lost for so long.”

“We finally found ourselves talking, after years of skirting around everything. When the fear of telling the truth was no longer simmering in the background, it was so much easier to speak freely and honestly about how we felt, and what we wanted.”

2. Prioritize Communication for a Better Amicable Divorce

There’s no getting away from the fact you’ll need to communicate, probably more comprehensively and deeply than you have in years. The more you can talk now, the better you will find everything, especially with some of the challenging decisions that need to be tackled together. For some people, a mediator can be useful. For others, the floodgates open and everything unsaid will come up without prompting.

3. Keep the Right Mindset for an Easier Divorce

If you can both work on your mindset and take the blame out of the equation, you’ll be all the happier. Focus on the practicalities of an amicable divorce rather than obsessing over blame. Look at ways you can make things immediately better and kinder for each other, and focus on the future. Remember, you are both adults, not wounded children. 

If you have issues with anger, abandonment, rejection, fear, guilt, shame or any of the gremlins we all need to face in our lives, know that they will crop up now. You may as well do the hard work now! 

4. Speak to The Right People for Divorce Advice

Look, you and your soon-to-be ex will spill your guts to all kinds of people and say things you shouldn’t. Even the most amicable divorce is messy at times. Give each other some space and some leeway to make errors.

Talk to good friends, talk to family, journal, talk to the dog. But consult professional guidance for legal divorce proceedings and financial advice, especially if you aren’t automatically splitting everything 50/50. Again, my friend offers this perspective: 

‘We decided to keep lawyers out of our divorce, after seeing friends burn through their shared assets in legal fees. We agreed to go 50/50 on every aspect of our divorce, from childcare to finances. We still own a business together, so this helped in many ways because it kept a shared sense of purpose. Another driver was our children. We want to do the best for them, and this knowledge makes collective decisions so much easier.”

5. Be Fair (and Kind)

Look, when you’re upset it’s so tempting to revert to a child-like state of mind that makes you want to lash out, or make the other person ‘pay’. After all, divorce means emotional pain and God knows we all hate pain. 

But, particularly if you have children, you and your partner will be in each other’s lives forever in some way. So why not work towards being fair and equitable and help each other in small ways, with the long game in mind? It’ll pay dividends.

Amicable Divorce and Finances

Women, especially, you will really feel your power here if you can offer a little extra support or help when your ex is struggling. He forgot the kid’s schedule? Resist rolling your eyes and making that sarcastic comment. He’s messed up in some minor and irritating way? Let it go and find a solution.  You’ll be amazed at how much goodwill this creates, especially when it comes to tackling hard stuff…. like finances.

Remember that lawyers will charge you for every phone call and email they take. Do as much work as you can yourselves, and you will feel all the more empowered, connected and better for it. Fight your corners, but be fair. You may even find you can work out the financial particulars of your divorce fairly, yourselves. 

Amicable Divorce and Children

Did one of you cheat? Frankly, the children don’t need to hear about it. Was one of you awful? Again, that’s between you both. In most cases (unless of course something serious has occurred such as domestic abuse), marriage problems are between adults. 

Children should feel free and supported in loving both of their parents fully. If you can handle this aspect of divorce with grace, your ex, your children, and your self-esteem will be all the better.

Frankly, if you both want parenting to stay as healthy, beneficial and easy as possible, you still need to work as a team. Focus instead on building open and honest communication with your children, and encourage them to ask plenty of questions. You’ll often find the questions are about practical things such as bedrooms, playdates and school schedules, giving you tangible things to focus on.

6. Create a New Future

I’ll hand over again to my friend for a perspective here:

“Once we knew we were divorcing, we suddenly had a chance to talk about how we wanted our future to look. Rather tellingly, we hadn’t had this conversation in some years. It was painful at times, but sometimes there were these flashes of positivity and reassurance that we would always be there, in some capacity, to support and encourage each other. After all, we have children together and want them to see the best of us both.”

“It’s taken time, but I now love catching up with my ex, sharing our news, sending updates on the kids and following plans. I think we both recognize each other’s flaws and plus points now, and we seem to laugh more. It helps that he’s met a wonderful woman who is funny, kind and a great step-mum, and I feel a huge sense of relief to see how settled he is.’

7. Accept That He May Move On Faster Than You

Now ladies, this is a hard one, regardless of who initiates the separation. 

If you are lucky enough (or hard-working and committed enough) to achieve an amicable divorce there is one hurdle you must accept early on.

Your partner is very likely to meet someone else, very quickly. I know. Ouch.

But it happens time and time again. For women after divorce, dating may feel quite optional. Many divorced women feel that their Mr. Right after divorce is completely elusive (he’s not, but that’s another topic!)

Dealing with New Partners

Many men hop onto a dating app and meet their next partner quickly. Not all, but a surprising number do, and many end up having a new wife, a new home and maybe even new children. You may even find that this woman was ‘the other woman’, and part of the reason you divorced. If she’s now a Step-Mom to your children, this is yet another challenge.

On this topic, I’m going to hand over again to my friend. 

“I’m just one experience among many very different experiences. But I will say this. When your ex moves on and meets ‘the one’ again just a few months after you split, you might question yourself, your marriage and everything around you. But life constantly evolves and your own path will too, if you let it.”

“If you can bring yourself to build a relationship with a new woman who is in your children’s lives, you’ll ultimately feel better for it. Ex-wives, in general, can be a source of difficulty and strife or a surprisingly good presence in everyone’s life. Happily, my ex-husband has excellent taste in women, and this extends to his new partner, who has thrown herself into step-parenting with tremendous goodwill and humor.”

“Does it feel strange seeing them together sometimes? Absolutely. Do I sometimes wish we’d made it work for longer? Yes. Would I change anything about the possibility, fresh start and authenticity I feel as a single woman leading her own independent life now? Absolutely not.”

“And further, I would encourage anyone facing this stage of their life to view the challenge of an amicable divorce as a complete pivot towards a new future. One that you will find yourself rather wonderfully in control of, in a new phase of your life, if you let it.”

8. Find a Tribe

No, we’re not talking about some brutal Divorcee’s Club where everyone swigs cocktails and fixates on their ex’s issues. But if you’re working toward an amicable divorce, you need the right friends to help you through. This probably means a blend of old and new friends, particularly if you’re going through a broader midlife crisis, empty-nesting or other significant life shifts!

You might also be thinking about using this time to reinvent yourself. After all, divorce of any kind is a huge transition and you have the chance to grab that future that you’ve been secretly dreaming of and make it real.